“My boyfriend and I have a recurring issue that was stemmed from my actions a few months ago. Here is some background: We’ve been together for almost 2 years now and he transferred to Chicago (from the West coast) with his company 2 months ago.

He is actually moving back here within the next 6 months because he realized he made a mistake when he moved and he wants to come back home. However, a few weeks ago I went to see a movie with a male friend. I didn’t want to tell my boyfriend because I didn’t want him to worry or get jealous that I was going out with another guy. I kind of slipped up and mentioned the movie that I recently saw and of course he asked me who I went with and I told him.

He wasn’t mad that I went to the movie with a male friend; he was mad that I tried to hide it from him. And in his mind, why would I try to hide something like that if nothing is going on? But honestly, nothing is going on with this guy; we’ve been friends for a long time and the reason I kept it from my boyfriend is that I just didn’t want him to get angry or jealous because I thought he would.

So now this past weekend, I went out with friends on Saturday night and didn’t get home until 2am. I texted my boyfriend to let him know I got home okay and the next day we had an argument about it. He asked me why I didn’t call him while I was out, why I didn’t tell him who was going to be there with me, etc. Honestly, I was out with friends having a good time. I don’t have him on my mind 24-7 but that doesn’t mean I’m doing wrong behind his back. However, I know all these questions stem from my “lying” about the movies.

He thinks I was ignoring him and says I don’t appreciate his feelings. My question to you is how do I regain his trust? I don’t think its practical to have to let him know what I’m doing at all times but is that the only way to ease his mind? He said because I lied about the movies, what would stop me from doing it again?

I want to be able to “show” him how important he is to me without having to “report” to him all my activities. Do you have any advice you could share with me?”

My question to you is why did you feel that you had to hide the fact that you innocently went to the movies with a friend?  It seems that your boyfriend has jealous tendencies that you picked up on and thought it would be easier to lie to him than deal with the consequences. 
 
You don’t mention in your correspondence how serious your relationship is; however, I question your boyfriend’s commitment if he picked up and moved so far away from you.  My guess is that when he got to Chicago with presumably less of a social life than he had at home that your absence made his heart grow fonder for you.  Have you seen a change in his level of interest in you since he left?  Is he coming home because he misses you or because he misses home?  Don’t be fooled by his words, look more at his actions. 
 
Also, if he picked up and moved is it really reasonable for him to expect you to check in with him to let him know what friends you will be going out with and and when you will be coming and going?  I don’t think so.  I think he is afraid that he made a wrong move leaving and now is worried and probably somewhat jealous that your life didn’t stop because he left.  Don’t let him manipulate you into feeling bad for going out with friends while he is thousands of miles away. 
 
I’m not saying that you have to dump your boyfriend, but I see red flags going up.
 
- Brad

“I think that I may have messed things up… I have been on EHarmony for a year and this is the FIRST man that I feel a real potential for having a future with BUT he has expressed feeling overwhelmed/scared and needing to slow things down. He is 41 and I am 38.

I hate to think that he is a “player” because we have so many solid things in common. We communicated via email for a week and then almost daily phone calls for three weeks. We discussed so many things about marriage, religion, parenting, money… Many things seemed to be “just right” between us, but we still were not sure if we would have chemistry when we ment. We laughed alot. He expressed a strong desire to meet with me and he texted me frequently. He expressed feeling very optimisitc about the possibility of this working out in the future.

Recently we spent 2 days together and things felt extremely intimate. He brought me flowers from his garden and took me to dinner 2x. We talked for hours over coffee and we watched a movie. He told me that he felt that I have many of the qualities that he could see in a long term partner. He asked me to be optimistic/have faith and let time see how things unfold.

I echoed many of his thoughts and expressed my interest. We had been somewhat physically intimate, but did not have sex. He had told me that he does not want to repeat past mistakes and wants a healthy relationship so NOW HE WANTS TO STEP BACK and take time to get to “know each other better”.
He called me once on the day we parted, e-mailed me once since the dates 2 days ago and he left me a message last night explaining that he was going to be doing some things after work for the next 2 days, but that “we would talk soon and that I should sleep well”.

We do not have a definate date scheduled for the future, but a “possibility” of going out in two weeks. I thought that I may have found my match. Can you tell me if you believe that we may have just got too heated too soon and it appears normal to let go a little bit…”

It sounds to me like things are going just fine. It’s not like this guy has just blown you off. You said that he called once, emailed and left a message since a date two days ago. That doesn’t sound like disinterest for me. Maybe he’s picking up on some anxiousness on your part and that is making him nervous due to past relationships that got too serious too fast. I think you need to take this guy at face value until he gives you reason not to.

-Brad

“Hi brad. i am 23 years old. in the last year i got married and had a baby. my husband and i dated for 3 years before we got married and have been married for about 6 months. anyway, i am jealous by nature and it didn’t help that my first serious boyfriend before my husband cheated on me 8 times with 8 different girls before i found out. coincidently, my husband was the one who tipped me off to my ex-boyfriend’s cheating and that is how we ultimately got together.

now my question, why is he telling me this? is he just talking, or is he setting up the stage for something he himself is doing or thinking about doing? i really have a hard time believing that my husband would cheat on me, but i find myself being preoccupied with it lately, i guess because of my past. i don’t want to be a freak about it, but i don’t want to be naive either. what do you think?”

Well just because he mentioned his co-worker / friend happens to be cheating doesn’t mean that he’s “setting the stage” to tell you that he’s doing the same thing.  That’s a pretty unfair assumption on your part.  Is that all you’re going on?  Is there more he’s doing that makes you think he’s cheating on you?  If that’s it, you should just let this one go and blame it on jealousy.  If you’re still unsure, you could always just ask him – be careful how you do it though.  Don’t come across as accusatory.  Tell him that from time to time you get paranoid about the way your past boyfriend cheated on you and that given the situation with his co-workers… you could use a little reassurance that he’s not doing the same.. or something along those lines.

-Brad

“My husband and I got married in May 2006. We eloped in Cuba, I recently found out that he has not told anyone at work. He is a construction worker and works with all males but they are all friends at work and he regularly hangs out at his shop.. Is he ashamed of me, why did he not tell anyone?  We are expecting our first child in August (his idea) and he is very excited and seems like the whole word knows including his workplace. Please give me some advice.”

I wouldn’t get too bent out of shape on this one just yet.  Guys handle relationship news a little differently that women.  How many times have you seen the scene of a woman holding out her hand to show off her new diamond engagement ring to her female friends and they all squeal with delight.  I’ve NEVER heard of a guy doing anything even close, instead it would come up more casually in a conversation – sort of an, “oh yeah, did I mention that I proposed to so and so the other night?”  It’s not that he’s not into the girl or even excited about being married, he just goes about announcing it differently.

I’m sure eloping with you is very similar, ESPECIALLY given the fact that he works construction.  I’m sure they would rib him a little about eloping.  Nothing against you, it’s just how guys are to each other.  It sounds to be like he’s just being a guy and hasn’t got around to it yet.  If that’s the ONLY problem you have with him thus far, then don’t worry about it and let it go.

-Brad

“First, some quick background information. About two and a half months ago he told me that three months into our relationship he cheated on me.  It basically sucked. He told me that he knew how wrong it was and didn’t want us to build a future (marriage, etc) with a secret like that. He told me he loved me and didn’t want me to leave him but that he understood if I did. I told him that I would try to forgive him, I really do love him.  He didn’t try to blame it on me or any of that… I really could tell how deeply sorry he was.

About two weeks ago I asked him if he had been talking to her outside of work and he said no. I told him I would try to get over their interactions at work so we would stop fighting. He had already broken two promises to stop talking to her and then said he was wrong for promising that because he couldn’t. Well, now I found out that they have been secretly messaging each other on the computer. I confronted him about it and he says that he did nothing wrong, that he hid it because it was innocent and not worth me freaking out. And then he has the nerve to get mad at me for not trusting him.  I told him he HAS to stop talking to her, and he doesn’t understand why. He thinks I am being irrational and that I think he is cheating on me with her. This is so frustrating… am I being over-paranoid!?!?”

No, you’re not being over-paranoid at all.  It sounds to me like he’s given you a pretty good reason to be paranoid by cheating on you the first time – now add to that his visible flirting with a co-worker that admittedly likes him, breaking promises to you that he’ll stop talking to her, AND going behind your back and messaging her, no wonder you’re paranoid.  You didn’t really say how long you’ve been dating him, but his track record thus far isn’t very impressive.  It’s good that he admitted to cheating the first time and was honest with you, but then he counteracts that by being dishonest and breaking promises that he’ll stop communications with her.  He’s got a LOT of work to do to rebuild your trust.  Stick to your guns and don’t feel like you’re overreacting, I think anyone in your shoes would feel the same way.

-Brad

“Hi Brad. I have a question. And I’m pretty sure you can help with it. I’ve been seeing this guy for a little over a month. I clicked with him soon after we met, on an all around basis. We like the same music, we’re artists, we have a similar sense of humor, and we just all around have an awesome time together. Problem is, we let the guards drop too soon and had sex after only a week. I figured I had pretty much blown my chances of dating this guy by that move, and I didn’t really intend on dating him in the first place. But, each time we hang out, he does more of the boyfriend stuff. He kisses my forehead, holds my hand, pulls me in near him, and all that. He knows I feel strongly for him, and he’s said the same to me.  I was just curious, do you think there’s hope here? And if there is, what’s a subtle way to get to the next step?”

Jumping into bed with him right off the bat wasn’t a great move, but it doesn’t have to mean the demise of your relationship with him.  From the way you described it, it sounds like things are progressing pretty nicely.  It definitely not a one nighter or anything – he’s even told you that he feels strongly for you.

As for what to do to get to the next step, I think just keep doing what you’re doing.  No need to start rushing things yet, give it a little time.  You’ve only been seeing him a little over a month.  Who knows, you might have a great relationship with him.

-Brad

“Hi Brad, So I worked with this guy for about a year and during that time we’d go out for drinks and dinner, just as friends, work buddies. We’d talk about past relationships, current ones, work, etc. We worked very closely together physically and spent lots of time sharing flirtatious glances across the room.  About three months ago, we went out for an after work drink, which turned into dinner. Then we were off to get a night cap at a local club and ended up hooking up. It felt so fateful in that yes while alcohol was consumed, it didn’t feel like it happened because of that. It was like primal magnetism or something.

Anyway, we had sex, great sex and continued for the next 6 weeks or so to go to wonderful dinners, have great conversation, and even met and went out with a bunch of his friends frequently.  He recently accepted a new job which was a good move for him because i have more leverage at our firm than he ever would. They didn’t really like him all that much. Anyway, before he started the new job he took a long trip. I got him a going away gift as a nice gesture - a card (not mushy at all) and a nice bottle of champagne. When he arrived at his destination he sent me a text message saying that he appreciated the gift and asked if we could get together for dinner when he got back. Of course I said yes. Then he got back and started his new job. on day 2 he called me because he was in the neighborhood and we went out for coffee. It was fine but just not enough time to really chat.

I really like him a lot but since he’s started the new job he’s been kind of distant. After the coffee, a few days later we IM’d with each other but then I didn’t hear from him all last week nor this weekend. When we’re alone together or even around his friends he tells me how beautiful and wonderful I am and how glad he is we met… now it’s time for a little detail, at the time of our fateful hookup he had a girlfriend.  She broke up with him the following week - nothing to do with us. So it’s made me wonder if he’s being distant because of the past situation. He even sent me flowers on Valentine’s day a couple months ago and treated things like we were progressing to another level.

We communicated well otherwise but now it feels like a brick wall is there so now I’m totally confused about what to do. Am I being immature for not reaching out to him just because he’s not reaching out to me? I’m just trying to protect myself but I also have a way of pulling back and sabotaging things. Brad, I just need some advice. Do I just need to ask him how he feels about me? Or is it already clear by his actions?”

Looking at this from a complete outsider’s perspective it seems pretty clear to me that his actions are showing how he feels about you.   When you’re crazy about someone, you show it.  If you really want to be with someone and can’t imagine not having them in your life, you show it – I think the reality is that he’s just not very into you.  Don’t you find it odd that he’s only really nice to you when he’s around you – could it be that he’s wanting something? Hmmm.  Also, this guy was cheating on you with his girlfriend, doesn’t that say a lot about his character?  Is this the kind of person you really want to invest in?

When you’re pursuing someone like that you have to look at the whole package, don’t just focus on the good parts – like getting flowers on Valentine’s Day.  It sounds to me like he was interested at some point and now that he’s moved, he’s no longer interested.  For the hell of it, why don’t you just ask him how he feels about you?  What do you have to lose? 

-Brad

“Hey Brad, here is my question: I’ve been dating a guy for almost three months. My frustration is that we rarely see each other more than one day/night on the weekends, he calls/texts only to make plans, and that the relationship isn’t progressing very fast because we don’t spend enough time together to “bond.”

I do know that the relationship is progressing from his perspective because he has been making some sacrifices for me that he doesn’t normally make for other girls– he’s being exclusive with me, introducing me to his good friends, ditching them for me at times but never the other way around, coming in late for work (at a big firm where he is fairly busy and often goes in on weekends) if he’s spent the night with me, turning off his blackberry when we’re together so that I get all of his attention, and talking about me with his buddies when I’m not around (in a good way). We talked about this twice last weekend and I can tell that he’s at least trying to adjust to my demands for a deeper relationship - we spent almost the whole weekend together last weekend instead of just one night/morning, and he texted me on Tuesday to say hi, when I usually don’t hear from him until Thursday or Friday.

I appreciate the fact that this is progress, but what I really want at this point is to talk on the phone a few times per week and to see each other during the week as well as on the weekends. He does pick up when I call him, but I don’t do it a lot because I want him to feel motivated to call me and I don’t want to set up a dynamic where I’m always chasing him for attention. I don’t want it to look like I’m the needy girlfriend when the real problem is that he’s the distant boyfriend. So, I understand that, from his perspective, he is giving me as much as any woman would possibly get from him at this stage in a relationship. I therefore don’t want to keep criticizing him and discourage him or make him feel like I don’t appreciate that. But the thing is, I’m used to men who are much more affectionate and attentive and, even though I have friends and a job to occupy me, I feel lonely and sad on the 5-6 days that we’re not together– and I can’t exactly continue on that way for several more months in order to find out whether or not this will change.

I feel like we should be closer by now, but he says that it takes a lot longer for him to be really close with someone. He is a pretty private and independent person, but I’m not sure how long I’m supposed to patiently wait for him to feel close. Six months? A year? That seems like a lot of work for something that should just happen naturally from the outset. I feel like he should just naturally want to spend a lot of time with me if he really likes me– and shouldn’t he be worried about me losing interest or being tempted by other guys if he doesn’t keep in touch during the week? He is one of the sweetest, most sincere, funny, smart and unique people I have met in a long time. Otherwise I would have broken this off by now. I don’t have a hard time meeting men, but I do have a hard time finding ones that I connect with and think are special, so I don’t want to just throw this away because it is not perfect. I’m still comfortable breaking up with him if it just isn’t right– but given that he is trying, however unsuccessfully, to meet my demands, I worry that I would be impatiently ending something that could still evolve into a really good thing. I understand that people have different relationship timelines, and I could be patient with his if I knew that we were headed in the right direction and not just stalled out going nowhere.

SO I guess the question is, how do I tell the difference between a slow-moving, sensitive guy and an emotionally unavailable guy who is just stuck in his ways? This situation just feels so ambiguous that I don’t know what to do. Should I continue trying to coax this guy into treating me the way that I feel I deserve, or is this just a ridiculous waste of time? Or do you have some other, completely different sense of what is going on?  Thanks, I look forward to your reply!”

It sounds to me like you are completely stable / secure / know exactly what you want out of a relationship and are bummed out that you aren’t getting that from this guy.  I know the big question is will he change over time – like for instance if you knew 6 months down the road he would evolve into the guy you want, you’d probably suck it up and stick around… but come on – how often does that happen?  I think the reality of your situation is that he is who he is.  He’s obviously got a lot of qualities that you like, but his being distant is outweighing all of them at this point – and I wouldn’t count on that ever going completely away.  It does sound like he’s trying really hard to do the right things, but in the perfect relationship you shouldn’t really have to work like that to click.  I think it’s sort of there or it isn’t.  I’m not saying that staying in a healthy relationship isn’t work – because it definitely is, but there is that basic element of bonding that’s just sort of exists or doesn’t.

If I were you, I would tell him all of this.  Let him know what you need to stay in this relationship and acknowledge the fact that he’s been trying, but you’re still not happy.  Bottom line, just tell him the truth.  Give him the chance to try and fix it and if he can’t then you should bow out and find someone that can.  It sucks when the person has great qualities like that, but you’ve obviously taken the time to write me … which means you were probably out searching for relationship advice on Google (or something similar), which isn’t a good sign after only being together 3 months.  At the end of the day you’ve got to be happy, so tell him what you’re going to need to make you happy.

-Brad

“Brad, I really need your help with this one. I have been on and off dating my ex for 8 years. I am 31 he is 29. We have a 4 year old son together. During our whole time of dating, and almost getting married, he battled a drug habit. I supported him so much and wasted so much to help him. But I did it because I loved him. Two years ago we split up because he was still doing wrong, and even wrong by our son. He was barely there for us for the first 2 years of my son’s life due to drugs. We did lived together on and off and at one point I even had a wedding shower. But his habit explains most of the behavior of our relationship. Up and down….

After our really bad split (2 years ago), a few months later he went to jail and had to serve 2 years. During that time I tried to move on for the first time.  I dated a guy in the military and really tried to see what else was out there. My ex still called while he was locked up and kept asking me was I seeing anyone. Eventually I told my ex  and he was furious. All he talked about was his son (who was 2) and me.  The whole time he was in jail all he talked about, wrote about was him getting out and getting me back to be family. He would say “you will see” “I have changed”. “I won’t ever loose you again”…..The truth — I never wanted to move on in the first place. I love my ex so much, but I know I can not make him change. I was so scared to wait on him because I was afraid he would get out and leave me just like he’s done before, so I dated to keep busy. 

Soon after I broke up with the military guy (too controlling anyway) My ex kept asking did I want to get back together. I told him yes, but not while he is in jail. He knew how I felt about this!  Soon after (year later) I dated another guy for a few weeks, nothing serious at all! but this time I did not tell my ex. In November 06 my ex got out of jail excited to work on things. Keep in mind he lives 4 hours from me. I drove down there with our son and stayed a total of 3 weeks. My son got attached to his family and everyone around us was so happy for us. I will admit I was happy and even thinking of moving down there. I knew that he had changed. On my second trip down there, he kept nagging me wanting to know if there was anyone else other than the military guy. Not wanting to lie I felt pressured, because he said if I told him we could still work on things, so I did. He got mad and the rest of the trip he was quiet and distant. When I left he let me leave with no hug no kiss. I was so hurt and confused and I did not think I did anything wrong, because we were not together at the time I dated those guys.

Christmas was the next trip down there and he acted like he didn’t care if I came or not. Even his family started to act like something was wrong. They went from telling me things about the area if I moved there, to “you might want to take some time and think about that”. I knew something was wrong. I went anyway, we still had sex, slept together the whole nine and he kissed and hugged me bye this time.  After I left I noticed he didn’t call as much, and sometimes would not say I love you on the phone. In January for his birthday I was planning on coming down, and he said “uh, we are not together anymore” I was floored!!!!!  He had no answers for me. So for the next two months he would call and hound me about letting our son come to visit and he gave no answers as to why he wanted the break up. It drove me crazy!!  Please keep in mind our son has never stayed with him by himself. I know my ex lives with his mom right now, but still I felt it was too soon. This month we were having a casual conversation and he mentions that he is seeing someone but that it was not serious. He tells me a week later it was his sister’s friend. Crazy jealous person I am — I emailed this girl on myspace and she told me they were together when I came down at christmas while SHE WAS THERE WITH ME. She said he didn’t want to tell me because I would not let him see his son. I told him this and he agreed about the son comment but he denied being with her when I was there. So basically for the last few weeks, I was not ready for my son to go visit during all this drama so of course he paints a lovely picture of me being the woman who holds his child for ransom. Last week I tell him I am making changes and I am so sick how everything is going and that I am seriously thinking of taking a job transfer. He showed concern for our son of course and tells me about his girlfriend “to wait and see and to not say anything to anybody”. This whole time he has made comments to make me jealous of her and it hurts. But I guess I did do those things to him. You can imagine how a straight lined military guy would look up against someone who is locked up. He even told me I killed him with that.

So obviously I feel like he is just getting me back for what I did to him. Long story short my son went to visit last weekend. Please understand how difficult this decision was for me. My ex has never really been there for our son until now. His family was happy that I was agreeing with his decision to move on blah blah blah and I took my son to meet my ex on Friday. Our agreements for this trip were: 1. our son was to stay at his house with his mom every night he is there. 2. his girlfriend is not allowed any overnights while our son is there. (seeing how i know his mom lets just about anybody just bed up in her house) 3. No drag strips - sorry it can get dangerous.  I even called his mom the day before and went over these rules. She agreed as well. We all agreed.

So Get this - he tells me when no one can hear (but our son) while I was putting the car seat in the car, how good I looked. He called me 10 times on my cell before he made it to his house. He even tells me on the phone I know you are going out tonight, but don’t be ho’ing around and giving my P**y away. I said why? He said because I said so. I told him yea okay whatever. So Saturday goes great, my son is happy, i am happy yadda yadda yadda. I go to pick up my son on Sunday and when I got ready to leave I asked my son did the girlfriend sleep with him and dada. He said YES and that she got off the couch and came and got in the bed with them. I phoned my ex back and he denied it. I told him a kid doesn’t know to lie, so I handed the phone to our son and my son was telling his dad saying huh uh dada, she slept with us. It was horrible, I was so mad that he broke our rule!!!!! I know you agree that we should work things out when kids are involved, but how in the world do I ever allow my son to go down there again? He broke my trust. It is so not appropriate to allow her to sleep in the same bed as my son!

Well he got really mad at the call and said he wasn’t feeling well and there was no telling what i told our son when we left. He hung on me basically. I ended up texting him sunday and said “thanks 4 screwing up this weekend and allowing your midget girlfriend (sorry she is) to sleep with my son, you screwed everything and he will never be around her.” I can not believe he messed up his first weekend. Now everyone will put this on me and of course I will be the wrong one here. Please keep in mind this whole time I am really hurt because he has not done what he promised me when he got out (to be a family)  Now I was put in a situation to hear him do the things we were supposed to do with our son with another girl. Then he makes those comments to me that confuses me, and I have to sit back and look at the man that finally changed into what I wanted after 8 YEARS, but now we are not together. What do I do about his comments? How do I handle this crazy visitation thing that didn’t work? I want my ex back and I really think he is just paying me back with this girl. What should I do?”

What?  You want your ex back?  What in the hell is wrong with you?  I’m sorry, but the picture you painted of him is one of a loser!  Has a bad drug habit, has a child with you and has nothing to do with him, spends 2 years in jail (I don’t even want to know why), now lives with him mom, lets his girlfriend crawl into bed with your son and him.  Why in the world would you want this loser back into your life?  He’s a LOSER!  Let him be with this new girlfriend and move on for crying out loud.  I’m assuming that you have full custody of your son?  If not, you should make damn sure that you get it – shouldn’t be hard given his past track record.  Also I wouldn’t let my son spend any time alone with him if I were you.  He clearly can’t follow the simple rules that were given – so I would only let him visit your son if you are present. 
Who cares if he’s trying to get back at you for when you dated the guy while he was in jail… doesn’t matter what the reason is, he’s still not a good person to be involved with.  You need to find someone that is self supporting and doesn’t have a criminal record.  Don’t put your son through any more of this drama either – don’t go putting him on the phone trying to prove the guy wrong… be the adult here and protect your son from that craziness.  I’ve never been more certain in any of the questions I’ve answered on here – MOVE ON.

-Brad

“Dear Brad, I’m a huge mess right now & feel I have nowhere to go for advice anymore, but to come to you hoping you will help. I started dating this guy 5 months ago. He hadn’t had a girlfriend in 3 years. He comes from a really messed up child hood & friends have always said anyone who gets close to him he just pushes away. So the relationship status freaked him out at first so we just were together with no label. NO problem as long as we acted like a couple, which we did. We spent a lot of time together and a month later he just started telling his friends & family that I was his girlfriend. The only thing that I’ve ever thought was weird about him is that everything has been his call..like our status, what were doing, going, watching on tv, eating. He seemed kind of controlling in ways. Like it was okay for him to be in a bad mood or stay out until 3 am & text me for an hour straight until I caved and came over. Even when first I met him I went on vacation & didn’t call for a few hours & he flipped out on me. But deep down I know he means well & we do have fun together.

He always tells his friends that I’m the best girlfriend he’s ever had & that no one has treated him as well as I have. Which is true. I bought him a $1,000 dog & loaned him money, not trying to buy his love but it’s like instead of letting him sit at home, I’d say “just come out I’ll buy you drinks.”  That’s the type of person I am, I like to help out instead of hearing people complain. There was a time when he wanted space & I said okay and 2 hours later was begging me to come over because he missed me so much.

He just moved to another state & used to want me to move there too. As the time grew closer he would say things like “only go if you want to not because of me”  So i’d say okay i’m not moving . Then he’d flip out on me & say i’m being immature & that he doesn’t want us to end because he’s moving. He thought I should live day by day & not plan so far ahead when all i was looking for was reassurance he wanted me near.    So present day, he broke things off with me. He said he loves & cares about me but needs to get his life together & just can’t be with me right now & wishes i would understand that. I’m trying so hard to but I told him he’s confusing because I don’t tie him down & the only reason I was with him so much is because he would ask me to come over all the time and that if i wasn’t there he would accuse me of being with someone else. He called it off because i was going away for a job for 6 months that he suggested i do for money before i moved down there. Then when i took it he said we’re done.

He mentioned that he can’t even support himself right now so how can he support me too. I really believe that he wants to get his life in order & feels that he can’t be the boyfriend i want him to be so he would feel like crap if we were together…am i crazy? I just can’t stop thinking about him & crying everyday. It’s like torture for me not to be with him. Every time i ask for explanations he always says the same thing about loving me & that I didn’t do anything wrong, but that he just can’t have a girlfriend right now & the more i try to make him realize what he’s missing he gets mad & says to stop pressuring him & that i’m only pushing him away. So my question is how do I get him back? Do i just give him time? Won’t he forget me though?”

You have no choice but to give him time.  You can’t just force someone to want you or to want to be with you, it doesn’t work that way (well not in western culture anyway).  If the person you’re with needs “space”, then give it to them, and don’t be naïve and sit around waiting for him to come back around.  He’s asking for “space” for a reason, and that reason is that he’s just not happy in the relationship right now, he wants to get away from it and think about things.  I realize that totally sucks and probably isn’t what you wanted to hear, but it’s the truth.  Will he ever come back?  Who knows, it’s a possibility, but don’t sit around waiting for that magic day to happen because 9 times out of 10 it doesn’t, at least not for the right reasons.  He may come crawling back after a month or two but be extra careful that it isn’t just for sex, that’s usually why they come crawling back, so pay close attention if he does.

You also asked if he’ll forget about you.  Well, I doubt he’s going to just forget who you are – it sounds like you were really good to him and gave a lot, if he happens to forget that … then it truly is his loss and he’s not at all worth the trouble.  I know you’re going through a hard time right now accepting that he’s moved on, but you sound like a sweet girl and I’m sure there are lots of other decent guys out there that would appreciate that about you.  Your ex boyfriend isn’t the only man for you, he’s just the one that  you’re the most comfortable with right now.

-Brad

“Thanks for this advice.  I’m 55, been with my fiancé for over 2 years.  The first year all I heard about was all the stuff he did with this loud mouth party girl named Angela, with whom he’s still very close friends.  He’d spend every night in the Legion partying with her until I got really angry so he stopped doing that.  He’s 50.  My question is, after only a couple of weeks of dating, he told me how he took Angela to the hot springs with a bottle of wine.  Why would he do that?  We have never done anything remotely romantic.  Ever.  How he supported her when she abandoned her kids to go ‘find’ herself.  Helped her move, blah blah blah.  She moved away, but now she’s back.  She doesn’t go to the Legion often, but when she is there and I come in, they both act very fishy.  Like move apart from each other or she’ll give me this really guilty look and leave.  Or she’ll go up to him in a different part of the Legion and put her hand gently on his sleeve and look at him with a look that is NOT the look of a ‘friend’. 

I found a roll of film that was taken before we met, there were six photos of her with this same look of adoration in her eyes.  I was getting over my skitters, but a few days ago he said to his roomie in front of me “Oh I heard that Ange (not Angela, not Angie, but Aaannnge) was working with you today. I’m working with her dad, and she’s working with you.  Isn’t that sweet?”   What the heck is going on with them?

I have a REALLY bad feeling that they had an affair starting when he was still married (15+ years ago).  I need to trust that, don’t I?  He lied about a female co-worker.  Nothing big - they’re just friends and he got a ride to work with her every day for months, but told me he “never” talks to her or sees her, meanwhile he’s sitting down at the Legion every night with her, having a beer.  I told him that he was still in love with Angela, which he has denied over and over.  I haven’t slept in a week. Or maybe I’m in love with a selfish drunk who doesn’t give a crap about me?  I can’t do this anymore, it’s killing me.”

I have to be honest, in reading this – I’m not really sure if the problem is him or you.  You never really gave a very clear example of him doing anything wrong with “Ange”.  Most of the situations you mentioned are ones that happened in the past, before he was even dating you – so I think a good percentage of what’s going on here may be your jealousy.  You found some old photographs of them before you, so what – who cares… he took her to hot springs before you, so what – who cares.  He calls her “Ange” – big deal, he’s known her for years!   I guess I’m just scratching my head after reading that trying to figure out if what he’s doing is really wrong.  Now granted, if he’s going to the Legion to meet up with her every night, that’s not good, but is that what’s really happening?  It sounds like he goes to the Legion whether she’s there or not, so I’m not convinced that that’s the only reason he’s going there.  If he’s a drunk, that’s a whole separate issue that really requires professional help and definitely not something you should take lightly, but again – I’m just not getting it with the Angela situation.  Definitely not something I would think that you should lose sleep over for an entire week (unless there’s more that I’m not seeing).  I think you just need to have a good talk with him, but don’t start off by accusing him of being interested in her.  In fact don’t go accusing him of anything, instead talk about how this makes you feel.  Let him know how exhausted you are in that you haven’t slept for a week because you’ve been so upset by all of this.  Hopefully a good heart to heart chat like that with him will put a lot of your concerns to rest.

-Brad

“Hi Brad, well a little history, my boyfriend and i have been together almost 7 years and we have a 5 year old little girl together, and then i have an 11 year old from a previous relationship.  i found out last January, 2006 that my boyfriend had been talking to another girl on the phone almost daily for about 2 weeks.  when i confronted him about it the first time he denied talking to her all together, then the next day he admitted he had been talking to her on the phone but he swore he didn’t cheat on me just talked to her on the phone, and when i called her (without his knowledge) she said the same thing (although i know they could both be lying).  so as hard as it was to get over the fact that he lied to me i tried to move on. 

however this past January, 2007 there was a text on his phone from a different girl saying “hey love…” when i asked him about that he said he had know idea who that was, but he got another text starting “hey love…” from the same number and he still denies he knows who it is from although i called this girl too, and she said they had just been texting each other back and forth and that was it.  i don’t know what to do!!! in my heart i don’t think he’s actually had sex with anyone else, but talking to other women behind my back and lying about it is a problem.  he doesn’t know i’ve talked to either of these girls, and i want to know how to bring it up to him in a way that doesn’t send him into a tailspin.”

Why in the world would you care if he went into a “tailspin”?  You’re actually being sensitive to his reaction?  Why?  He’s cheating on you!  I don’t care if he’s had sex with them or not, cheating is cheating.  You don’t have to have sex with someone to constitute cheating, what your boyfriend is doing fits the bill just fine.  Not only is he cheating, but he’s lying to you on top of it.  How can you trust a cheater and a liar, and how can you possibly be so sensitive as to not bring it up to him out of fear you’ll upset him?  What he’s doing is wrong, and you should put an end to it now.  I realize that you have a 5 year old daughter together (otherwise I’d say to dump him like a bad habit), so you should make a decent attempt to fix things (although it sounds like you already have by giving the 2nd chance).  It’s time for you to start playing hard ball.  Absolutely let him know that you know all about the second girl, I’d even tell him that you talked to her on the phone.  If he does it again (or anything even close), bail on him.

-Brad

“Hi. I am hoping you can offer me some good, sound advice. I am 34 dating a 31 year old man for almost 3 months now.  We were crazy about each other and things were going well. He told me he loved me and I said it back. It was great. But fairly quickly I felt him pulling away. No phone calls, unaffectionate emails, no texts. He still wants to meet up and do things together but for the first time last Saturday he asked me what I was doing that night, as if he had no intention on seeing me which is unusual. We both weren’t feeling very well, but I still thought it was weird. He instead hung out with his best friends - they’re all engaged or married. I thought maybe he was freaking out as guys do when things start to get serious. So I gave him some space and didn’t get all emotional on him about it even though it did upset me, but, it’s not getting any better. This has been going on for the past 3 weeks now.

He just got back from a trip with the boys for a week. The night before he left he asked if I wanted to see him. I couldn’t. I was pulling back myself. He didn’t contact me at all during his trip. That kind of hurt.  When we’re together, he’s touching me, holding my hand, etc and that’s the only thing that I can go by that he’s still into me. But still no affectionate calls or emails like he used to. We used to be in touch in some way every day. Now I don’t even know when I’ll next hear from him.

At first I thought it was because he was upset that I seemed to often be doing my own thing and not be with him. He had his back operated on and it bothers him frequently, and he said to me once, “You’ve been different ever since my operation”. I asked him why he thought that and he just joked and changed the subject. He also referred to me being away one weekend, but I was with him, just not all the time. I thought it was strange he referred to me being “away”.

Sorry, probably getting into WAY too much detail, but you know how us girls are.  Anyway, I’m now wondering what to do.  Am I not affectionate enough and that’s why he has pulled back to see how I would react? Or does he truly need space?  Or has he that quickly fallen out of love with me?  Should I do anything about this? Or is it all in my head? I’m trying to remain chilled and good humored - I hope I’m doing the right thing. What do you think?”

First off, guys (as a whole) don’t “freak out when things start to get serious”.  They really don’t.  Well, at least not if they’re crazy about the girl they are with.  If it’s one of these sex only gigs and the girl starts getting her heart involved, then yeah – those are the guys that will freak out and not want to get “too serious”, but all the guys I know are happy as can be to be in a committed relationship if it’s the right girl.

I don’t think this is all just “in your head”.  It seems apparent (from what you’ve described) that something is going on.  What I can’t figure out is if you’ve done something to drive him away.  You asked “Am I not affectionate enough?”  First of all, how in the hell am I supposed to answer that – but secondly, are you unaffectionate?  For you to even ask that makes me wonder if that might be a problem with you.  If the whole 3 months that you’ve been dating you’ve appeared unaffectionate and cold, then who knows – maybe that’s what’s causing him to pull back.  Only you can answer that though. 

I think the absolute best thing you can do is stop trying to get advice from outsiders (like me) and go straight to the source.  Why don’t you ask him what’s going on?  Go meet up with him and talk one on one.  Tell him everything you’ve told me – ask him why he seems distant and give him all of the same examples you gave.  He can give you a much better answer than me or anyone else on this site can.

-Brad

“Hi. I live with my boyfriend of 3 years. Between the two of us, we have 5 kids - two from my previous, two from his previous and a 2 year old together. Since we begin dating I knew he enjoyed flirting with other women, but it seemed to have stopped since we moved in together. About a year ago, I discovered he a page on MySpace that he had not told me about. It was filled with flirty, sometimes sexually based comments from several of his female co-workers. After much drama, he finally agreed to take his page off MySpace.

Fast forward to now. About a month ago, he took a trip to Vegas with a bunch of his buddies to watch the SuperBowl. He called everyday and texted me a few times while he was there. Last week, while looking at the phone bill, I discovered he was texting someone in the wee hours of the morning. Most of the texts were while he was in Vegas, but there were more that occurred on the night he was at a bachelor party. Some of the texting went on for hours, sometime ending at 2 or 3 in the morning.

Knowing it was wrong but not really caring, I checked his phone to see who the numbers belonged to. Two girls, both I learned later were coworkers that I have never met. When I confront him about it, he denied he was doing anything wrong, that he was drunk and just making “friendly conversation.” He said he wasn’t texting anything sexual, and that the reason they took place so late was due to “being bored and I knew she was up.”  I have no idea what to make of this. Neither of these girls are married, one is 21 and the other in her forties. He is 33. (Going on 19 it would seem.)  I have maintained many times that I would not really have minded if I would have KNOWN these women, as he has female friends that I have no problem with. My issue is that he is in a relationship with me and seems to go out of his way to befriend female coworkers, obviously becoming so close with them that it is no big deal to text them all hours of the night.

I would like a male perspective here, please. What could he possibly be saying to female coworkers while he is drunk? Do I want to know?  My issues are that he is in a relationship and I feel partners have to tread very carefully when they make new friends of the opposite sex, as not to give their significant other the wrong impression. He still maintains it should be perfectly acceptable to me.  Thanks SO much in advance for your advice. I am at a loss over what to do.”

Look, I know these women are just co-workers and in his mind it’s completely harmless – but you have every right to be upset at the fact that he’s doing it.  It’s crazy how many boyfriends and girlfriends are catching their partners with text messaging, more so than any other form of communication that I’m aware of – I guess because it’s so convenient.  I’m 33 years old too and have lots of female co-worker friends, but I’ll guarantee you that if my wife caught me text messaging any of them at 3 am when I was drunk, she’d give me hell, and rightfully so.  Text messaging doesn’t mean cheating – it’s just a limited character conversation that’s actually incredibly impersonal (compared to talking on the phone).  He may very well only be shooting the breeze with them with innocent conversation, but it’s all about perception.  It doesn’t look good – which in turn gives you an uneasy feeling.  He can play dumb all he wants and pretend not to understand why you’re upset, but deep down he knows that you have every right to be.  If he were smart he’d just be totally up front with you about it and even introduce you to these girls.  Something tells me that he’s physically attracted to them too.  I’ll bet that if they were incredibly unattractive women, that he wouldn’t find it necessary to share a text conversation at 3 am.  So as for a solution, I’d say to reiterate some of these points with him, let him know that the whole text messaging thing has been weighing heavily on your mind and that you aren’t comfortable with him messaging these co workers any more.  Remind him how he’d feel if you decide to start doing that. Hopefully he’ll understand and put and end to it.

-Brad

“I have been going out with my boyfriend for 2 months now. I used to know his ex on a very casual basis.  She dumped him, he was hooked on her and wanted her back. He met me 2 months after they broke up and we got together. He never calls her or kept in contact with her. The moment she was aware that we were an item, she started calling and text messaging him. My boyfriend tells me everyday how much he loves me and how I’m the best thing that ever happened to him and how he always wanted someone like me compared to his ex.  The problem, they go to the same university and bump into each other 2 days a week.  Now they have this coursework to do and she keeps calling him, he does ask me whether I’m ok with him helping her, i was at first, but now the calls from her are frequent. 

I got upset one day and told him i can’t deal with it. He said he understood but said nothing about asking her not to call as he doesn’t call her.  The consequence of it i suspect he now has a code for when I’m with him so that his ex knows that I’m with him so she hangs up. I guess he calls her back later or something.

I don’t know what to do, so i told him that I’m going be mature and except the fact that they want to stay in contact with each other for their coursework.  When i ask him what they talk about he says just casual hi and bye and that they don’t even hang out. (They have been together for 2 years) I want trust in the relationship and with me being insecure there can never be trust. He even told me once that he never trusted his ex enough and that was doubtful at times whether he wanted to be with her.  He constantly reassures me that I’m perfect for him and how much he loves being with me. Do i have anything to worry about?”

I’m not so sure that you have anything to “worry” about per say, but I would certainly be annoyed if I were in your shoes.  I understand that they are apparently only collaborating for coursework, but if he knows it bothers you the way that it does, couldn’t he have picked someone else in that class to coordinate with?  If she dropped out of school what would he do?  Wouldn’t he pick someone else?  Is it something that even requires that they work together (like a group project), or is it more of a convenience thing to chat with her about coursework simply because he knows her?  How would he feel if the tables were turned and you were collaborating with an ex boyfriend at school, would he be understanding? 

The worst part of the whole thing is that he feels so compelled to do it that he has secret codes with her to let her know when you aren’t around.  If that’s truly what’s going on (and not just your speculation), then that is something to definitely be concerned with.  Sneaking around behind your partners back is a BIG no-no, ESPECIALLY if it’s with an ex.  You obviously can’t make him do anything, at the end of the day – he’s going to do what he’s going to do, but you can voice how upset it makes you and I think you have every right to demand that they end the collaboration (unless they were assigned to each other on a specific school  project).  I think people often make the mistake of trying to be the “cool” girlfriend or boyfriend and not care if their partner hangs out with an ex, but the bottom line is that anyone who really cares about someone is going to get jealous in a situation like that.

-Brad